Hey! I was wondering if we could catch up? Maybe talk for a bit? Ok cool! I’m running low on spoons if I’m being honest...Yeah, I didn’t make too much sense a second ago: just know I’m glad you’re here. I’m gonna do something I don’t do very often and that’s lay myself bear to you. Take a moment to just let it all out. I’m sorry in advance for the length of this post.

First, I wanna tell you I’m doing very well. I am by no means mentally ill and my state of mind is pretty positive on the future and all it can bring. I have some great friends to rely on, an amazing family to come home to, and an imagination that impresses me on different occasions. It wasn’t always like this however.

I was diagnosed with mild depression when I was about 18 and the years leading up to that diagnosis would have probably changed the psychologist’s verdict if we had met earlier in my life. Needless to say, I walked a very fine line between rain clouds and pin cushions for a long time. I never saw myself as impactful or important. I never looked in the mirror and said “Man, I clean up nice.” The conversations in my head went a lot more like this:

               “Oh, you decided to get up this morning? What are you going to fuck up this time?”

         “I’m just going to school, keeping to myself, and heading home. Could you not do this today?”

“Do what exactly? I’m not the one failing geometry, sleeping in computer class, or hopelessly crushing on a girl that could pay you no mind. Let’s not forget God’s not answering your prayers for “strength” and “wisdom.” Why would God waste his time answering weak shit like that?”

      “Look, I know what I’m worth and that isn’t much so can you just leave me be? I just wanna get through the day and come home.”

                 “You know what you’re worth implies you’re worth something and God knows you ain’t worth shit! It’s good to fake your confidence though. The way you play all your little friends at church and school by saying your “profound” prayers or saying one thing that actually is a little funny. You’re fake and hollow and a huge disappointment.”

I think you get the picture. I never knew how much it would break my mom’s heart when I would ask what it’d be like to live without me then try to play it off as “just a question,” or a “spiritual” experience. I thought I was so clever playing off my writing assignments (known as self reflections) to my 7th-8th grade teacher as “just my imagination,” or a “spiritual journey.” I kept breaking and falling further into a darkness I was surrounded by. I started finding peace in lying completely still, being relieved by sitting alone. I just didn’t want to be anyone’s burden. My grades slipped terribly and I knew I was disappointing my parents who worked so hard to raise me. I didn’t want my last name anymore. Maybe if I just wasn’t a Psungo they would be alright. My younger brother’s doing better that I am. Hell, I look up to him!

The masks never became easier to wear, just more normal to have on. I could fake laughter, emulate happiness, radiate an aura of blinding light if I wanted, but those masks would begin to fall apart and my heart broke into pieces when I could find time to lock myself away to silently weep on the floor. Distractions from a sadness I didn’t understand, yet grew familiar with were in order which snowballed into writing a journal, genuinely praying for others, and diving into youth group events head on. The imposter didn’t care about these distractions. The imposter didn’t care about the masks. The imposter knew it had me in the palm of its hand and would command my thoughts with a war master’s intelligence.

Then, I finally met a girl (as you do) and thought maybe she could be light at the end of the tunnel. The Imposter cocked his eyebrow up and burst out laughing. I wanted to prove it wrong! She validated my worth, my existence! She understood me!

If only my teenage self wasn’t so stubborn and naive...I subconsciously knew I was falling into a trap! I knew from her background I wasn't in her league. I knew that if I knew I was worthless she would think so too, but I need something, anything to pull me away from the brokenness I carried.

I’m sorry I gave you such a tall order even though I’m pretty sure you didn’t know this. My first kiss was almost my only kiss and it wasn’t because she didn’t validate me (I already knew things weren’t like Hollywood): I was done. I was done feeling exhausted. I was done feeling pain and sadness from every corner of my life.

**Really quick before you continue: I did say I was going to get personal, but certain things aren’t really appropriate to speak about for personal reasons not just for me. Just know the following was NOT just because a girl was uninterested. I was a teenager, not stupid. Back to the post**

I was tired of wearing a mask everywhere I went. I couldn’t keep switching and for the longest moment of my life I couldn’t feel my heart beat. I just knew if I could die right now I could set everyone free from me. No more dead weight. No more bad grades. No more wondering if your son is gay! Just peaceful sleep. I understood then why the Imposter laughed at me: it knew I would be coming home soon and neither Heaven or Hell would let me take residence. I was genuinely okay with it and figured those scenes in the bathtub would be easy, so I got to work. Then the bathtub wasn’t a good idea so the bedroom was the next best thing since my bed faced the wall. My body ached, and my blood ran cold, but this needed to happen. This was the only good thing I could do in my life.

A few practice swipes with the Imposter teasing me and it telling me to “hurry the fuck up” helped me through. It was finally time...I didn’t pray for God’s forgiveness, I didn’t write a note explaining everything, I just put my bloody arm next to me and waited. 

**inaudible whisper**

 This whisper gave me paused, but the Imposter steeled my resolve once again.

**louder inaudible whisper**

My hands started shaking as I lost the motivation to pull the metaphorical trigger.

               “Oh my God, are you seriously fucking up killing yourself too? I would do it myself, but I’m stuck in your stupid head with your stupid hands. Just hurry this up so I don’t have to deal with you anymore.”

     “I know, I know...I’ll be quick this time...”

     “Fucking thank you! Well, go on then. Off with you. Get it? Cause you’re gonna... you know what, never mind. It went over your head anyway.”

It laughed and laughed and I knew we would finally separate after this. No more pain, no more heartbreak, no more masks. Then the whisper turned into this:

“STOP! YOU’RE HURTING MY MASTERPIECE!!!!”

I’m still not sure if God was talking to me or to the Imposter or both, but I stopped and cried as His Hand guided me to restful sleep. The next few months were difficult, but people like my youth pastor and a friend of mine from a totally different belief system helped me through to get me to where I am today. I remember my pastor hugging me with the love of a friend and father (he’s a pretty great father today by the way and a busy one at that). I remember my friend in geometry looking at me with eyes of concern and understanding after she saw my arms. And later people like my two best friends helped me see that maybe I do have a purpose.

I don’t claim to understand everything that happens in life or claim to be a great man, but I can say because of these people I have the chance to find out what I can do. Not only did God support me, but my support group rallied behind me and gave me the opportunity to eventually be a husband and a father. They gave me the strength to pursue my passions a martial artist and a writer. They gave me new life.

Why bring this up now? Because my heart was moved by the story I’m linking below.

Please speak up if you find yourself with a thunderstorm of self doubt. Seek professional help if you’re falling too far below. Or just say “you’re out of spoons” and we as your support group and community will rally behind you as best we can. I’m in your corner and I support your steps to new life. Your life is truly a gift and I am thankful to have you here.

Check out this story by clicking the link below and share this post if you want. Thanks for listening.

- Your Reinvigorated Writer

https://youtu.be/I6ChrfM3XNE

**************************************************************************************************************

If this is your first time reading this story I hope seeing this viewpoint helps you see the pain struggled and the growth that occurred after. My other posts on this site go into more detail on the why, but this goes into the thoughts and actions leading up to this choice. It is a bit rough as my writing was very raw back when I wrote this, but the emotion is just as raw and I hope this shines through! If you'd like to support this space and me so we can grow and continue creating a safe space for others, click the "Support/Services" tab and choose any services or donation options.

Thank you for reading this repost and thank you for supporting! Until Next Time...

Go Forth in Love & Peace!