With disclaimers out of the way let’s begin.

“What does it feel like to be suicidal?”

 “Do you have to have a mental disorder to…y’know?”

   “How do you stop suicidal thoughts?”

     These are questions I’ve been asked in the past when coming out with my story, so I’d like to share my observations and experiences on the subject. It’s not easy to talk about and I believe this gets overlooked fairly often because we don’t ask these questions and don’t seek understanding out of fear and guilt, but I say it’s time we start diving deeper because in doing so we increase the odds for the next person to choose life when they’re going through similar obstacles.

So, let’s start with the first question:“What does it feel like to be suicidal?” I believe a lot of people see this as a sudden, frenzied state that (objectively) comes out of nowhere. Maybe we talk about the external situations of abuse of some kind or bullying, but the internal battles are usually left out or speculated on if a note is left behind. For me, being suicidal feels like a constant presence wrapped around my mind and soul. Think of the prodding feeling you get when you’ve been caught in a lie or been discovered sneaking around…now think of having that feeling linger around like a rolling fog and it constantly thickens or thins depending on your mental fortitude or intensity of the situations around you. In my case, depression feeds into this fog and the weight of all the mistakes I’ve made and all the perceived negativity only works to isolate me and make me feel powerless. On the bad days I can see this fog building up and sometimes I choose to let it take me because in those moments I’m not the person I want to be and I feel like I’ll never be the person I strive to be. 

                          “Who could you possibly inspire?”

                 “You? A…personal trainer?”

                                 “You think your words matter, huh?”

  “If the universe if barely a footnote in creation, where does that put you?”

         “You think you have a right to be angry, especially when your sins are greater and grander than those your anger is directed at?”

                                             “You should go fuck yourself you useless little shit! You deadbeat fucking husband! You…you go for nothing dad! You’re just like your father you fucking bitch!”

These phrases and more intensify and drains all the joy out of my bones. The inspiration to strive for greatness dwindles like a dying fire and is replaced with acid rain burning my skin. This feeling builds when my self care suffers and my viewpoint on life is negatively skewed; keep in mind this isn’t my mindset all of the time or even most of the time, but it's always there at different levels. Most days, I can just brush these off and not dwell on these negative feelings, but there are days where it’s more difficult to shrug these off as "just bad thoughts". Now, this is just one of many outlines I’ve experienced and one I wouldn’t wish on anyone because feeling like you’re worse than nothing is a despair that not many people survive. You could blame my Depression, but I see my depression more like negative energy that, left unchecked, can alter my already negative mindset if I’m not in the best headspace.

And that leads to the next question: “Do you have to have a mental illness to commit suicide?” I believe the answer should be obvious, but I’ll go into detail as to why suicide/suicidal thoughts aren’t mutually exclusive to people with mental illnesses. A friend of mine came to me in confidence and talked about wanting to self harm and inferred they had contemplated the idea of ending their own life. To my knowledge, they have not been diagnosed with any mental debilitations or been prescribed any kind of mental health medicine to treat possible disorders or illnesses, so how is it possible they were struggling with such dangerous thoughts? I believe the situations they were and are dealing with began to bend their fortitude beyond the breaking point. Couple this with their career as a social worker where cases can scar your heart in ways you couldn’t imagine and I believe these two factors and others I may not know about contributed to these thoughts taking root in their mind. Now, I’ve always know them as a fiery person with a bold spirit and over time we’ve gotten close enough to where I believe they would confide to me if they had any kind of mental diagnosis and would encourage others to speak up about their own struggles, but this is not the case. This leads me to believe (and statistics show) not all suicides stem from mental disabilities: anyone can have this mindset if the environment, circumstances, or mental health is in a negative place (especially for long periods of time).

“Okay, so if everyone is susceptible and feeling suicidal can creep and build up on you…how do we stop these thoughts from taking root? How do we survive?”

The answer may seem simple but the more specific you get, the more complex the solution can become. You could say something pretty like“If you don’t sweat the small stuff you’ll be more fulfilled,” however, what do you consider small stuff because that varies from person to person. You could say“Just visit you local psychologist and they’ll take care of you,” but what if this is not financially viable for you? The list goes on, but I think you get the point: certain specifics need to be tailored to the person in question…we can’t necessarily do that here, but I can give you some broad strokes that can help get you on the right path.

• DO NOT Neglect Self Care! There are several different forms of self care available and I believe we all have something to fall back on in this aspect, but neglecting this is an easy way to send yourself down the rabbit of self doubt, heightened guilt, over self criticism. Find your self care routine, activity, safe place, etcetera and regularly rejuvenate your mind, body, and soul so you can maximize your best self and step away from the edge you could find yourself on.
• Change your diet up a bit! This doesn’t have to be drastic and it doesn’t mean "only eat a lettuce leaf a day": this means replace a fast food meal here and there, drink more water than soda, exchange those cheese puffs for some grapes now and again. Sometimes, a purely unhealthy diet will have you feeling heavier both mentally and physically; simply changing the game a bit can help your body and mind feel better about itself because the nutrients you’re getting is going to repair muscle, help blood flow, and clear your mental fogginess.
• Look for natural solutions (like dōTERRA)! Of course I’m going to talk about dōTERRA because my mental health has greatly improved with dōTERRA’s support! I’m not saying modern medicine doesn’t have its role or that its effectiveness on ALL mental ailments is moot, but in the event you’re not able to afford the local mental physician or have been on prescriptions and it’s made you feel worse, dōTERRA has plenty of options to support positive mental vibrations and encourage a positive essence to work with your body instead of around it. Simply adding a natural essence to your everyday life can greatly impact you and your views on not only yourself but the people around you!

     All in all, when it comes to suicidal thoughts they can be persistent, invasive, and overpowering. They don’t just appear out of thin air and can manifest in people of all mental states if the conditions are unfavorable. Yet, we do have some saving grace: we have each other and if we work together whether it be through conversation, dōTERRA, or finding our self care groove, we can become the blinding lights we hope to be! We can be the inspiration we crave! We can do more than survive: We can thrive! The first steps begin with open dialogue in a safe place and from there we can truly support those suffering mentally! I ask you to join me on this venture and together we can change the world!

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If you made it to the end I thank you for reading this far! I know this is not a topic to take lightly, but I hope this encourages you to start discussions with friends and loved ones about their experiences with suicidal thoughts and/or mental disorders because these conversations are important to have in a safe space so we can learn from each other and improve on the wellness of those who have been silently suffering in this capacity. If you liked this or any of my other posts, you can support me on my "Support/Services" page where I have everything from Creative Coaching options to dōTERRA Solutions to just saying "I/We want to see you succeed and grow this community" through Patreon! Whatever you choose to do to support me and this community I am extremely thankful for because this helps me reach others and fulfill many other dreams! All that being said, thank you for reading and supporting. Until Next Time....

Go Forth in Peace & Love!